Black Medicine is a coffee shop. Not a pet shop, nor a jazz quintet. It is not a branch of specsavers, and it is not a doctor's surgery.
It is a coffee shop.
Right, now that we've established that, let us begin...
...in fact, it is no longer an 'it' either, being more a 'they', seeing as how there are now THREE outposts, all selling delicious coffee-based products and other non-coffee-based (but very-good-with-a-coffee) products.
Let us begin again...
The centre of the Black Medicine "empire", 'though not geographically, is the original store, sitting proudly on the corner of Nicolson Street and Drummond Street. If it were the geographical centre, which would be quite a coincidence, it would sit somewhere in the the meadows, which would be both illegal and rather out of the way for me.
Green is it's colour of choice, although if you are colourblind it may appear to be red. We make no apology for this however as it would look odd if it were any other colour. Yellow, for example, would look horrific.
Internally, it is a veritable woodsman's delight, being mainly constructed of wood. The walls are made of stone, being as it is a stone building. The coffee-making-machinery is made of several materials, most notable of which would be stainless steel. The staff are, by and large, made of natural, organic materials, such as flesh, bone, hair etc, although the odd piece of metal may extrude from some of them in small quantities. Do not worry - this is not shrapnel.
Coffee may come to you in a variety of vessels: large ceramic cup, small ceramic cup, tiny ceramic cup, large paper cup, medium paper cup, small paper cup, tiny paper cup, your own 'travel' mug. "Which of these will I get?" you may be wondering. This will depend entirely upon what you order, in what quantity and whether you are taking out or sitting in.
Food comes in many forms, as we all know. Black Medicine will offer you several varieties of foodstuff, ranging from delicious Jaffacakes and crisps through to the more nourishing filled ciabatta, panini, bagels and soup. Cake is here too.
Should you wish to drink something other than coffee, a fine selection of teas, hot chocolate, fruit juices, freshly made fruit smoothies, milkshakes and soft drinks are available.
It is a coffee shop.
Right, now that we've established that, let us begin...
...in fact, it is no longer an 'it' either, being more a 'they', seeing as how there are now THREE outposts, all selling delicious coffee-based products and other non-coffee-based (but very-good-with-a-coffee) products.
Let us begin again...
The centre of the Black Medicine "empire", 'though not geographically, is the original store, sitting proudly on the corner of Nicolson Street and Drummond Street. If it were the geographical centre, which would be quite a coincidence, it would sit somewhere in the the meadows, which would be both illegal and rather out of the way for me.
Green is it's colour of choice, although if you are colourblind it may appear to be red. We make no apology for this however as it would look odd if it were any other colour. Yellow, for example, would look horrific.
Internally, it is a veritable woodsman's delight, being mainly constructed of wood. The walls are made of stone, being as it is a stone building. The coffee-making-machinery is made of several materials, most notable of which would be stainless steel. The staff are, by and large, made of natural, organic materials, such as flesh, bone, hair etc, although the odd piece of metal may extrude from some of them in small quantities. Do not worry - this is not shrapnel.
Coffee may come to you in a variety of vessels: large ceramic cup, small ceramic cup, tiny ceramic cup, large paper cup, medium paper cup, small paper cup, tiny paper cup, your own 'travel' mug. "Which of these will I get?" you may be wondering. This will depend entirely upon what you order, in what quantity and whether you are taking out or sitting in.
Food comes in many forms, as we all know. Black Medicine will offer you several varieties of foodstuff, ranging from delicious Jaffacakes and crisps through to the more nourishing filled ciabatta, panini, bagels and soup. Cake is here too.
Should you wish to drink something other than coffee, a fine selection of teas, hot chocolate, fruit juices, freshly made fruit smoothies, milkshakes and soft drinks are available.
Whilst Dougal is not technically staff, it is important that we include him. He is, after all, owner and main man of BM. He is also the law in these here parts, and as such should be addressed at all times as 'The Sheriff'. He has cells in the basement, so please adhere to his laws.
Dougals hobbies seemingly include: buying worn-out VW Campers, raising children and guinea pigs, growing his thick mane of hair and diy.
Ceci is an aussie gal with a south american slant. That could sound like a euphamism, but it's not meant to. I should take that line out later. Please remind me...
Ceci is an aussie gal with south american roots, much like Bufo Marinus, although Ceci was not introduced to eat beetles. I doubt she'll thank me for this analogy, so look out for the bald fat man with a black eye at the end of the bar.
Anyhoo... Ceci is often found in BM talking with Bea, our Spanish staff member, in spanish. Do not be confused by this. You have not wandered through some portal into a spanish coffee shop. If you also speak spanish, perhaps you may like to converse with either of these two. This brings what I call 'cosmipolitanallity' to the shop, which we encourage fully.
'In-house jester' is how I would describe Joel. Another member of staff with an Oceanic background, Joel brings a smile to many faces with his plate-juggling antics and off-the-cuff jokes. Most of them are dreadful, but please be polite and smile at him.
As well as his australianity, Joel is part Swedish, and as such makes excellent meatballs. I'd steer clear of his cured herring though.
Joel can often be spotted sitting quietly in the shop, writing stories or reading comics. These are not 'graphic novels', they are comics. Do not interrupt Joel during this delicate stage of his development... we hold on to the hope that he may normalise in time.
With mobile phone surgically attached to her hand, Holly is a very sociable young woman with a penchant for all things purple. If such a thing as a purple mobile existed th... oh she has one.
Holly is currently learning to drive, an essential skill considering she lives in the middle of nowhere. I think she should get a helicopter, but I don't think her wages would stretch that far. Perhaps a Punto or Mini. In purple.
Holly also loves her weekly gossip magazines. If you know someone who is sleeping with nextdoor's goat behind his conjoined-twin-transsexual wife's back, Holly will soon be reading about it.
"How many Australians work in BM?" you may be asking. 3 is the answer, at the time of writing, Kate being the third. I'm sure there must be some sort of quota or something...
Anyway, Kate is a lovely gal, and has written about her previous life as a zebra, in her new book 'How To Survive The Serengety'. Having lost her stripes when metamorphosing into a human, she is now earning new stripes in BM.
Gareth is BM's resident musician/dj, specialising in 'Music Concrete' and lute pieces from the Baroque period. Quite the eye-opener when you mix the two.
Gareth is a 'heelander' - a rare thing in the big city. He has evolved to cope with the highlands surprisingly well, looking like he has a miniature highland cow clinging to his head. This has two main functions: it keeps out the cold AND it attracts Highland Cattle bulls...
Mollie King is a singer with popular girl-combo group 'The Saturdays', but enjoys "keepin it real" by working in BM when not on stage or at rehearsals.
Their debut album, Chasing Lights, produced four top ten singles on the UK Singles Chart. They're fantastic, and much much better than any 'real' musicians, because they're 'hot' and can dance.
Clad in the golden fleece found by Jason and his fellow Argos employees, Tom enters the workplace with trepidation every day. He's worried that his golden fleece will become stained with the chocolate sauce or coffee so often thrown about the place in BM.
A seasoned musician himself, Tom's alter-egos include such wonders as Brian May from Queen, Kim Wilde and one of the Outhere Brothers - which one we're never quite sure.
There are many regulars at BM, although some have taken it upon themselves to leave. The cheek. They will not be mentioned here, their fickle nature having insulted us for the last time. THE LAST TIME I SAID!
But good luck to them all, wherever they may be.
So, 'big up' to:
But good luck to them all, wherever they may be.
So, 'big up' to:
- Big Andy - That's me!
- Wee Andy - Skaterboy
- Alan - Resident philosopher
- Michael - Hair-cutting supremo
- Mikey Bob - Our resident Texan
- Ash - Hair-cutting supremo 2
- Otis - You're barred!
- Charli - BM's resident supermodel
- Steve - Boyfriend of Holly
- Bones/Jon - Boyfriend of Ceci
- Adrian - Boyfriend of Bea
- Douglas - Law God
- Vic, Tash & Toby - Dougal's family
- Occasional Omar - Old regular who visits infrequently
Here we are!
Black Medicine has a webcam. His name is Beavercam.
Unfortunately, he is only viewable through Internet Explorer, as he is a very naughty webcam!
You can visit him here.
Unfortunately, he is only viewable through Internet Explorer, as he is a very naughty webcam!
You can visit him here.
You have 3 choices:
- - you can come in and have a nice coffee
- - phone us on (0131) 557 6269
- - or email Dougal at: thesheriff@blackmedicine.co.uk